By Umm Khalid
This is a common problem I see nowadays in the modern world, especially with millennial and Gen Z women. They get mad at reality. They get offended by the truth. Objective facts insult them, if these facts don’t conform to their own feelings.
I have known and interacted with many like this.
One Muslim woman in her mid-thirties had a long list of demands she expected her future husband to fulfill before she would agree to marriage: she needed a high mahr, a big wedding, an entirely new wardrobe, regular massage treatments, herbal remedies she liked, organic cosmetics, therapy sessions, a special high-protein diet, and for him to pay her college debt (increasing daily with high riba).
She expected him to provide all this for her in the marriage, without batting an eye. He was an average man with an average job, not the extraordinarily wealthy man who would be easily able to afford all this excess and luxury.
She, herself, came from a very humble family, and had been poor all her life. She grew up in the projects. When she got older, she moved away from her family to live in a different state, where she lived with many roommates and lived paycheck to paycheck on a very basic job she held.
She has, like an increasing number of modern people today, severe mental health problems and psychological issues, like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and possible bipolar disorder. She had been in therapy for years, where she had been taught to “manifest” what she wants to the world, that you attract what you are worth, and that you are a victim and also a survivor, weak and strong at the same time, and of course everything is everyone else’s fault.
She had rejected marriage the entire decade of her twenties, instead opting to date and experiment with non-Muslim men (and a few women) in casual sexual relationships. The usual “empowerment” and “independence” stuff. She had her fill of it.
Somewhere in her thirties she grew tired of the lifestyle. She got tired of how much time and energy it took to patch herself back up after each broken relationship or “situationship” and meaningless sexual encounter. She got tired of having to make her own way, fend for herself in life, and pay for her own things. So she decided she now wanted to get married.
But now that she was older and more weary, she had more demands and conditions for any suitor.
I asked her, “If you have these high expectations and standards for what you say you need in a husband, what do you offer as a wife? What do you think the kind of man you want wants?”
I tried to phrase the question as gently and as delicately as possible. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or injure her pride unnecessarily…but I also wanted to help her slowly realize that her unreasonable expectations and unrealistic standards would keep her single for a long time, possibly forever. She was getting in her own way by having this laundry list of demands, especially given her own tenuous state.
The reality was: she was objectively in no position to make such demands.
She was oblivious to her own baggage and shortcomings. She had fallen for the gynocentric feminist brainwashing of her automatically being “a queen” because she was female, and that any man would be “lucky” to have her glance his way. Slay queen! Yaaaasss gurl! These men out here ain’t ready for a queen like you!!
She believed, truly, that she could have her cake and eat it too: she could be “free and independent” in her youth to have casual sex and go out with her friends and do whatever she felt like, THEN whenever she deemed fit, that she could flip on a dime and simply select the best, most wealthy husband off the husband tree who would of course lay the world at her feet. Treat her like the queen she was. Give her everything.
And what would SHE give him in return?
Why, the pleasure of her company, you misogynist!!
What kind of question is that, even??
She can have no pressure on her, no stress, no demands placed on her delicate shoulders, because she needs “to heal” from her “trauma.”
What trauma, you ask?
The trauma of her previous lifestyle. Yes, self-inflicted trauma.
This future husband, now in the present, must pay for the trauma of her past that she brought on herself with her past actions and choices. It’s now his burden to shoulder, as her husband.
And as his wife, she can’t promise to cook or clean consistently because her trauma takes such a toll her that she can’t be expected to deal with such menial tasks and responsibilities. She may do things on the good days if she feels like it, but certainly not every day. She sometimes sinks into her own mental or emotional world of what she calls “grief” and thus cannot be weighed down with real-world things like house chores.
She also cannot promise to always provide her future husband with sexual intimacy when he asks, because she has developed some PTSD issues stemming from her past sinful life and now she’s grown to hate physical contact sometimes. She had so much sex with strangers that it has warped a part of her and rendered her unable to have a normal sex life with her husband. (Studies show how promiscuity hinders the ability to pair bond.)
But he needs to deal with all this without complaint. And, of course, he needs to also help her out of the pit of depression and misery she put herself in with the expensive demands that she’s asking him to pay for.
The reality is: WHO would take that deal?
Who, man or woman, would accept this sort of grossly uneven exchange? This type of wild imbalance?
Modern culture and its toxic feminism has made some women delusional.
They have become entitled. They demand both contradictory roles: the victim and the shero. The baby and the boss.
And they have become blind to their own faults, mistakes, and shortcomings. We all have these because we’re all human–but feminism trains women to evade responsibility for their actions.
No personal responsibility.
No self-accountability.
And if anyone dares to suggest that maybe, just maybe, you take a little bit of accountability for your actions or take responsibility for your decisions or admit your mistakes or at least just ease up the demands you make on other people…then:
ANGER.
RAGE.
INDIGNATION.
“How DARE you not believe me?? #believeallwomen!”
“How DARE you blame the victim!! You’re just holier-than-thou, throwing my past in face! Don’t you dare even TRY to sl*t shame me!”
“I don’t want to be blamed or shamed!”
“Why do *I* have to apologize?? I did nothing wrong! I’m the victim here!”
“If you don’t believe my stories of my trauma and abuse, then YOU’RE traumatizing and abusing me!”
It’s exhausting to deal with this type of mentality.
If you have decided to make yourself the perpectual victim, you cannot accept any personal agency or responsibility or accountability, and you cannot admit to any mistakes or shortcomings, and you cannot apologize when you’re wrong, and you get angry at the truth, and prefer to live in your own self-serving delusions, and expect others to join you inside your delusions and validate them, and you get mad at them if they don’t warp THE REALITY to fit your delusions…
This is a disease called كبر.
Arrogance.
The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم warned us against this deadly disease, yet in our modern times, feminism is herding entire generations of women towards it.
Entire generations of Karens, fragile, insecure, entitled, condescending, and self-victimizing who truly perceive themselves as abused and oppressed, and disregard the reality or the truth if it says otherwise.
عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ مَسْعُودٍ عَنْ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: لَا يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ مَنْ كَانَ فِي قَلْبِهِ مِثْقَالُ ذَرَّةٍ مِنْ كِبْرٍ.
قَالَ رَجُلٌ: إِنَّ الرَّجُلَ يُحِبُّ أَنْ يَكُونَ ثَوْبُهُ حَسَنًا وَنَعْلُهُ حَسَنَةً.
قَالَ: إِنَّ اللَّهَ جَمِيلٌ يُحِبُّ الْجَمَالَ. الْكِبْرُ بَطَرُ الْحَقِّ وَغَمْطُ النَّاسِ.
[صحيح مسلم]
Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “No one who has the weight of a seed of arrogance in his heart will enter Paradise.”
A man said, “But a man likes to have nice clothes and nice shoes.”
The Prophet -s- said, “Verily, Allah is beautiful and He loves beauty. Arrogance is to disregard the truth and to look down upon people.” [Sahih Muslim]
